There’s something perpetually unsettling about the constant conservative movement to abolish gays and their rights. I’ve decided to propose a few reasonable trades. In exchange for relinquishing government control over who is allowed to get married, I’ll offer up some other rights and “free wills” that perhaps the government and neo-Nazi “freedom” lovers would accept in exchange for the right for some of my nearest and dearest to get married when/if they choose. Sorry boys and girls, marriage is not my bag, personally. But, I’ll let the right-wingers have some of my own privileges in exchange for allowing some of you guys to file a joint tax return, adopt kids, and visit each other in the hospital.

1. The right to make out in public. Look, I just hate sitting on the subway right next to the spit-smacking sound of two mismatched persons tonguesploring each other’s dental work. And there are few things more confusing than the day following a drunken make out. 

2. The right to eat whatever I want. As long as your choices are healthier than mine (it’s pretty impossible for them not to be), then I will surrender this right. You can decide what I eat and even when, with the stipulation that you not treat my lunch hour like Fear Factor. I know there’s already an FDA (which seems to be a whore to the highest bidder anyway) but I can still pretty much eat whatever grossness I want, no matter how bad it is for me. I realize that there’s a chance that you might replace the food pyramid with candy, and I would DEFINITELY prefer to supersize. But, I would assume that you would stick to the corn and soy-based derivatives that keep our marginalized farm industry churning. I might not like it, but I’ll take your diet in exchange for equal rights.

3. The right to go number 2 in public restrooms. Sorry, this is gross to me. Either go before you leave the house or hold it. I would ask for certain ethnic restaurants to serve as the lone exception, however.

4. The right to social media. I love me some Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr, but I won’t need it nearly as much if I don’t have this issue to bitch about.

5. The right to choose what I wear everyday. This would probably just be liberating. I’m not crazy about powdered wigs or spandex, but if that’s what it takes to progress then I hope you all enjoy staring at my bulge.

6. The right to conceive children. Extreme, but sure, you guys can take it. I want to have kids someday (maybe 19 and counting), and I don’t mind taking a test, chatting with a shrink, applying for a license, or paying a fee before I am granted that investment. As of right now, apparently I can just walk down to the nearest bar, have a few drinks, give a few winks, and have a bathroom stall romp that will result in a baby by early next winter. Neither of us have to really even love the kid. We can put it up for adoption (I’m personally not a big fan of abortion, but I’m not a woman so it’s not really my business), toss it into foster care, or just hand it off every other weekend and confuse the hell out of it for the rest of its life. I could get that going tonight…probably. Well, once I get my v-neck out of the dryer. You can have that right. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to study up and pass the test, especially once I am serious about it and ready to give part of my life to someone that important. I’m sick of seeing kids in horrible situations because their parents were/are too stupid to know what the word parent means anyway.

Obviously I like to approach some of these heavy issues with some degree of levity, but the truth is I hate this. I hate that once someone makes a verbal proclamation about their individuality they are denied certain rights, which should be inalienable. To quote Olbermann, “Why do you care?” A person’s right to choose their own descriptor should be left alone, and that descriptor should in no way effect the way they are treated by OUR country, a country that claims to be founded upon the fundamentals of freedom, choice, and the ability to live a life without moral imposition. Despite my levity, I really do want to know what you think. I appreciate hearing the different angles and experiences of people who have struggled with this issue for so long. I am especially interested in the opinions of those who would challenge the rights of homosexuals to wed. Why should they not receive the rights granted to all of the happy/unhappy married couples? Help me to understand. I won’t. But you can try.

Tony! Toni! Toné!

If I had no loot…

All of my celebratory songs are 90’s throwbacks today. Deal.

Bunny?

Yeah…yes?

You are a feeble woman.

Try to save it but it doesn’t come off the rock
Try to build a wall that is high enough

What doesn’t come off the rock? What’s the rock? I’m going to assume that you’re talking about your soul or something. Like, you’re trying to say “try to save your soul,” but it’s all hung up on crack or something. And then you’re like trying to build a wall to hide behind because you’re ashamed of your crack-addicted soul. I think you have boundary issues, sir. You’re not trying to save anything. You’re just trying to hide and pretend that you’re trying to save yourself by hiding. Get over it. Take some mood stabilizers.

It’s all boiling over a
All boiling over

Over a what? All boiling over? That’s a little cliché if you’re just talking about being overwhelmed or something. We’re all overwhelmed. Get over it. Take some mood stabilizers.

Try to save your house
Try to save your songs
Try to run
But it follows you up a hill

There’s some sort of reference here to shit burning down or falling down or something. It’s not too subtle. You think people are trying to take things away from you. Hate to break it to you, but they probably are. You should be afraid. You should run faster. I would recommend running down the hill though because up the hill is strenuous and it probably takes longer. Also, get over it. Take some mood stabilizers.

It’s all boiling over
All boiling over
Your little voice
Your little voice

Now, we’ve already covered the boiling over thing. But since you’ve said it twice, I think it’s time to dig deeper. You’re exaggerating. It’s probably not “all” boiling over. Maybe some of it is. Like, maybe your dog died or something and at the same time you got a bladder infection. Those two things are probably boiling over. But, you’re rich as fuck. That part isn’t boiling over. And then there’s the little voice. Frankly, I’m concerned if you’re hearing little voices. You should get over that. Take some mood stabilizers.

No more conversation
No more conversation
You should took me out when you had the chance
You should took me out when you had the chance

If you’re not going to talk about it, then why would anyone take you out? You can’t expect us all to be mind readers, Thom. If you want to go out, we can go out. I’ll take you to the movies or to brunch or something, but not if you’re going to get all emo on me and start crying after two mimosas. Get over it, dude. Take some mood stabilizers.

All the rooms were numbered
And the losers turned away
Don’t turn away
Don’t turn away

If all the rooms were numbered, then I’m going to guess you were at some seedy motel somewhere. If you were there to bang some gross chick, and then now you feel conflicted about it, the answer is probably not to write a cryptic song. Instead you should go get tested. I would disagree with you asking for him/her/herm not to turn away. If you are this cranky about the ordeal, it is probably best if he/she/shim does turn away. The person was probably a loser and should therefore be turned away, per your request. I also think you should get over it. Take some mood stabilizers.

Craig Armstrong - Waltz

Kleiner, slash, nobar, größer, kleiner, slash, i, able, größer,
Gleich, center, größer, gleich, slash, d, ist gleich, they, body, slash,
Klammer auf, c, html, ist gleich, kleiner, Ausrufezeichen, doctype, html, public, in Anführungszeichen,

Minus, slash, slash, w, drei, c, slash, slash, dt, d, html, 4 Punkt, transitional,
Slash, slash, e, n, größer, kleiner, html, größer, kleiner, head, größer,
Kleiner, meta, http, ist gleich, minus, e, q, i, v, ist gleich, in Klammern,
Content, type, ist gleich, content, in Ausrufungszeichen, Text, slash, html,
Semikolon, kset, ist gleich, iso, minus, acht, acht, fünf, neun, minus, eins, in Anführungszeichen,
Größer, Funktion, Fenster, auf, to, in Klammern, url, in Klammern, pict, ist gleich, window,
Punkt, oben, Klammer auf, url, in Anführungszeichen, toolbar, ist gleich, me, location,
Ist gleich, no, directories, ist gleich, no, status, ist gleich, no, men, ist gleich, no, huebar,

Ist gleich, no, Komma, scrollbars, ist gleich, yes, usable, ist gleich, no, width, vierhundertzwanzig, Höhe, ist gleich, vierhundertsechzig, screen, x, ist gleich, neunzig, screen, y, ist gleich, achtzig, pict, Punkt, location, hlaf, ist gleich, weg, in Klammern, save, point, location, a, height rf, Klammer zu, plus, url, ist gleich, kleiner, metaname, ist gleich, generator, ist gleich, content, Ist gleich, in Klammern, added plus, one point one, in Klammern, größer, kleiner, Titel, größer, news, kleiner, größer, Störung, ist gleich, kleiner, Base, target, ist gleich, blank, In Klammern, unterlegtes Blank- Zeichen, i-link, related, instyle, sheet, type, ist gleich, in Ausrufungszeichen,

Text, slash, sss, ist gleich, half, ist gleich, in Anführungszeichen, css, slash, agf, Punkt, css, größer, kleiner, Hype, slash, ist gleich, kleiner, bodystyle, ist gleich, in Anführungszeichen, von,
Family, Doppelpunkt, areal, ist gleich, Anführungszeichen, styles,

I MISS YOU…

Kleiner, tape, mode, ist gleich, syspacing, ist gleich, no, sad,
Erlebnis, gleich, noe, größer, kleiner, hey, größer, ist gleich, small, klein, b, nsbp, ist gleich, small, Kleiner, list, größer, slash, small, ist gleich, kleiner, p, ist gleich, table, slash,
Klammer auf, body, html, head, script, language, javascript, kleiner, Ausrufungszeichen, minus, minus,

HIDE ME

browser, ok, ist gleich, falls, slash, slash, null, null, eins, ist gleich, fünf, fünf, script, slash,
Klammer auf, script, langugage, Klammer zu, ist gleich, in Anführungszeichen, javascript,
Eins Punkt eins, ist gleich, kleiner, Ausrufungszeichen, minus, minus,

HIDE ME

Browser, ok, ist gleich,

TRUE

Slash, minus, minus, eins, minus, Klammer auf, kleiner, slash, script, slash,
Ausrufungszeichen, minus, minus,

HIDE ME

HIDE ME

Bige, colour, f, f, f, f, f, f, s, w, life, connect, ist gleich, false, width, ist gleich,
Zweihundertsiebzig, height, ist gleich, sechsundfünfzig, ist gleich, type, ist gleich, application, slash

„ist gleich” = =
„kleiner“ = <
„größer“ = >
„Ausrufezeichen“ = !
„in Ausrufungszeichen“ = !….!
„Semikolon“ = ;
„Anführungszeichen“ = “….“
„in Klammern“ = in ( )
„Fenster“ = window
„Klammer auf“ = (
„Klammer zu“ = )
„unterlegtes Blankzeichen“ = _
„Zeichen“ = sign / symbol
„Doppelpunkt“ = :
„Punkt“ = .
„Erlebnis“ = experience
“Höhe” = height
„Störung“ = malfunction

….and many numbers……

Jesus Christ, Jessica. I appreciate the sentiment and will post because you are wonderfully loyal. But, do you really think this helps?

=/

Ha, thanks.

Sorry about that last post (no, I’m not). I don’t know what came over me. Well, that’s not true. I know exactly what came over me. It was another one of those situations over which I have absolutely no control. I have learned time and time again that I do not respond well to a lack of control, particularly a lack of control over my general state of mind. Yesterday’s victory was that I didn’t beat anyone up. I also meditated, put some rage into another perf art piece, and kept my diet under 1800 calories. My abs are getting ripped again. Fuck yeah…one of those meaningless, awkwardly personal fun facts. I’m not here to brag, but I am pretty lucky that I can drop weight faster than a fucking figure skater with a tape worm. Of course I can also gain it faster than Kobayashi at Nathan’s.

Let’s talk about someone else and collectively laugh at and appreciate his mistakes and shortcomings. I’m talking specifically about Ryan. He is a much younger friend of mine who is hilarious and kind of dumb. Actually, it might just be the dumbness makes him hilarious. Yesterday we hung out in my office for about three hours taking computer quizzes and playing games. Yes, this is what I do at work on a good day. Just to give you a sense of what’s up, one of the quizzes involved naming all 50 states as fast as possible. Somehow, I don’t know how, I forgot Utah. So embarrassing. But I got the rest of them. Then Ryan took the quiz and missed 17 states. Jesus Christ. There was another one where you moved the state shapes into their correct location on a blank outline of the country. Mine was perfection. His looked like something by Jasper Johns before he finally gave up. It’s clear that US geography is not his category.

Then I had to do some work. I had (and still have) a massive stack of receipts to sort and input into our lovely $4M budget spreadsheet. So I opened the spreadsheet and started collating. Ryan was going to “help” by typing in the amounts while I called them out. As you can probably imagine, the spreadsheet is now a complete fucking disaster. I should have immediately known better when he entered the first 10 or 12 amounts using the 10-key without the Num Lock. Upon closer review this morning, I also can’t quite figure out why he couldn’t stick with just numbers. Apparently &7o4 is…something.

The bottom line is this guy was one of the main reasons I didn’t just jump out the fucking window yesterday. (I’m also really afraid of heights, and generally don’t want to die yet.) Some people are just inherently and unintentionally good. They never say anything that they don’t mean. You can say anything to them and they just get it, even if they’re dumb. They care more about you than they do about themselves. They are always there at exactly the right time.

I need to be more dismissive of shitheads. People who think they are smart, but are also assholes. I need to stop trying to fix their bitterness by making my own worse. I much prefer dumb people who are amazingly genuine. They’re better than me. I’ve got a lot to learn about relinquishing control and chilling the fuck out. I’ve got to pay closer attention to that part of people and figure it out for myself. I’m still going to tease him about states and math, but he won’t care as long as he can see that I’m happy.

Go fuck yourself.

(I’m not sorry.)

I’m not sure where to start, so I’ll just speak indirectly about a friend of mine who doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he speaks. Ever. Some people refer to this as “trailing off,” or “talking out of one’s ass.” I like to think of it more as “fucking jacked-up lingo,” or “unrehearsed communication.” There are too many people in my face everyday who don’t seem to know how to communicate their thoughts effectively. For them I recommend learning, or at least exploring, a new language. English is clearly too difficult.

When I collect thoughts for writing, and particularly for speaking, I find myself having to translate complex emotions and mental imagery into words. It would seem that some people are lacking in the vocabulary department. They supplement inaccurate verbal punctuation with “uhs,” “likes,” and “like, uhs.” I want them to try something new. I think they should carry some sort of English/Swahili dictionary around with them. Not only will this force them to carefully rethink their sputtered sentence fragments, but it will also give them the opportunity to reprocess, reread, and put words into some sort of meaningful, mindful order. It doesn’t have to be Swahili…but some sort of language with a pace. A language with rhythm. Strong consonants. This is not a black thing. I would just as readily recommend Inuit or Klingon.

After finding Klingon phrases which best fit one’s thoughts and psychological gestures, he/she should count off (“and a one, and a two, and a wa’, cha’, wej…”). No stopping. It should be fluid, musical, and if at all possible, not spitty.

I realize that there is one pitfall to this type of communication. The person across from you will probably also need an English/Klingon dictionary, unless you are at a convention. However, this is a minor inconvenience that I am more than willing to endure. I may critique your pronunciation, particularly the hocks across the soft palate, but I will appreciate the effort. I will also feel much more confident that you have committed some degree of thought to our conversation.

Terima kasih untuk masa anda. Bodoh. (That’s Malay. You figure it out.)

Tomorrow/Today (it’s like 3:30am) will focus on the lighter side of lingo. I’m tired of writing about the gays for now. I’m thinking about the search for Setswana through Swahili. The search for the f-bomb in Creole. And a whole bunch of other clicks and troches that make no real sense right now, but will hopefully be more funny when I actually collect my thoughts.